Over the last few years, I've become an engineer. That's bad.
I like being an engineer, I have always loved building things and understanding how systems work. I studied real engineering in university (sorry software engineering grads), I've been building systems and products for years, I made my first website when I was 6. For all intents and purposes, I am an engineer.
But, for me, being an engineer, and certainly self-identifying as one, is really an admission of stagnation. I wasn't always an engineer; I've had an engineering mindset for most of my life, but I wasn't what I would call an engineer. At one point in my recent history, I would've introduced myself as an entrepreneur.
Of course you have to remove all the associative crap behaviours and personalities with that word (it's been tarnished a lot lately), but, in the truest sense of the word, about 5 years ago I would've told you I was an entrepreneur. I just so happened to know how to write code and build systems.
Something happened over the last half-decade, and I won't bore you too much with specifics, but I noticed a calcification within myself; I started leaning into being an engineer, being good at building anything, and less at trying anything. I became the guy that would say, "Ok, let's figure out how to build this idea" and less-so the guy that would say "what about this idea?". On paper, it's fine, and in reality it didn't stop me from building companies, I am a co-founder and operator now, and I also was over the last few years as well, but it really doesn't feel like that. At least, not to me.
I think it's a bit of a trap; the better you become at something, the more you identify with it. The more you identify with it, the more you believe you are that identity, naturally. When you spend 10-14 hours everyday for the last 8 years programming and building, you probably tell people you do that (as I did), it becomes part of your personality that your friends talk about (as it did for me), and then you yourself probably start to say it too (as I did). Saying it is just a few degrees of connection away from believing it. You've effectively manifested yourself into the trap.
I was once a better entrepreneur. I leaned into ideas. I used to carry around a small black notebook that I would record that day's date in, like a journal, but it was solely filled with ideas. I used to have 5-10 ideas a day, easily. Most were complete and utter crap, but at the very least they were ideas coming out of my own head. I haven't touched that book in years.
As I worked on those ideas, built companies and products, I became much better at the engineering side of things. There was not and is not a single idea/product/thing that I cannot build, period. I became so confident in my engineering ability that I started to pitch myself as the one-stop-shop engineering co-founder; And that worked, it worked really well. I was able to do and create great things while working with fantastic co-founders that were weaker on the tech side but stronger on the business and idea side. My life changed for the better because of this, and I am very happy I did it. But every yin has a yang, and the yang here was the loss of my creative muscles. I leaned too far into engineering.
This, of course, can be fixed.
What this is here is an admission of stagnation, of calcification, and of rigidity. It's acknowledgment that I've identified this behaviour in myself. Most importantly, it's a promise to myself that I am going to break it.
I am going to become an entrepreneur again.